the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
