someone threw a dead crab at me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
