You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
