that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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