i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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