The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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