oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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