Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
