Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
