Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
