if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
