I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
