just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
