Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
