I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
