I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
