Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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