the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
