What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize