Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
