i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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