There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
