If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
you had me at cake vodka
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We had sex on a dog bed..
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
