I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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