That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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