I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
