i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
