it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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