I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
