Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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