I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
