last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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