Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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