i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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