i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm getting married
To pizza
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
