butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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