i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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