You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
