I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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