I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
