I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize