just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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