just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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