Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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