You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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