Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize