i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
how drunk are you?
Several
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
