I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
