Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
