wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
