she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
