She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
