i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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